The River Files

Honestly how many more times will OFT come into the kitchen for a cup of coffee? Only 11am a been in a staggering 4 times already. Why can’t he stay outside in the garden? Or lurk in his bloody office? He has already watered geraniums copiously I suppose, one leg up on flower box , hose at hip level – looks like he’s peeing – but is now sitting on the sofa on this gorgrous day with his sodding iphone!. I have retired upstairs, with a deep sigh to the dark of bedroom, to me maquiller. This house – capacious as it is- just aint big enough for the both of us now he is not working. (Nor am I due to recovery from hip) result: way too much together time.

If he comes up to the bedroom I swear will stuff my fist in my face and scream .. inwardly of course.

Thank God my divine hairdresser has just called offering a cancellation for tomorrow. A glorious session beckons. A high octane blend of sophistication, gossip and gayness with a smattering of life coaching thrown in. Who is coaching who- client or customer I am as yet unsure. Oh and the massage chair and of course the highlights. Only thing is never know howmuch tip down here in the sticks. Unsure who to ask.

Love the word “Muggy”. Fortunately mugginess wore off soon after our arrival and sun burst through. Feet in hot sand . Heaven.

Woke up without a hangover. Most wonderful thing. Rose tinted specs firmly on again. World seems full of promise, delight and possibility again.

Piping hot all day but fabulous, brisk breeze too . So brisk almost blown over once and heavy car door damn near slammed shut on my poor hip such were the gusts. . Felt unaccountably maudlin. Probably as cannot work, do voluntary work, ride, sail, paddle board swim or cycle. It is too horrible. Also vile hot flushes on account of having to temporarily cease HRT in pre and post op phase. Forgotten how utterly debilitating they are. Sweat sweat sweat. Felt so down that I went and saw my final resting place today. Fabled local, natural burial groud. As I approached the gate- past the compost loo sign- a huge gust of warm wind hit me full in the face – almost a portent as if to beat me back and say not yet! Not quite. Felt truly glum all day. Rest of world smiling- so happy to be in summer clothes and old misery guts here just utterly wretched on a walking stick. Truth is also suspect I am in grips of the demon drink. Had my one night per week off tonight. Seedlips non alcoholic gin and fever tree with angostura bitters (loved it – the ice the lime the glass) but such nights off are becoming a rarity.

Listened to fascinating Obsessed by Killing Eve podcast on BBC Sounds also a really interesting book on Calif Gold Rush. Oh well.. KBO I suppose and hope for better day tomorrow.

Desperate Times episode. Just more and more sinister and fascinating by the minute.

Apart from Eve, what happened today.

1) Dog has horrible, persistent and bloody diarrhoea. Vet visit with afflicted one on short leash in one hand, walking stick in other. Bit wobbly. Scared of being knocked down in waiting room by dog v cat fracas. A downcast looking girl had an animal in a cage- cat?- and I discerned, hovering near her to take a photo of a poster for bowel cancer fun run obstacle race at South Milton Sands, that she was sniffing. Put down/euthanasia situation looming? Vet surgery can be most upsetting place.

Also ran into girl I know to be getting a horrible divorce. Seemed so happily married when I first met her. Extraordinary how these things unravel. She said she is worried she is losing her mind and had just been to a kick boxing class, bursting into tears while laying into a punchbag. Poor thing. I suggested she get on the train, get up to London and have a one off consultation with a mega lawyer I know.

We stood exchanging details amid the waiting owners, furry patients bags of doog food, rows of colourful leads and collars for sale. “He needs a good whacking” I concluded “The family law Solicitors in Newton Abbott , picked from phone book simply won’t do”

2) Then – walk, physio, rest more physio. Later eased self painfully behind wheel of car to collect River Sprite for her drama class – We passed some Jersey cows in parkland “Best milk in the world” I said and I should know. Grew up on that hoof- in -bucket stuff . Churn by the back door supplied by the farm. Milk stoll warm. Not a whiff of pasteurization

After drama class and once home, River Sprite rode bareback with diarrhoea dog as escort. She had mobile and satellite tracker on board. Gone a good hour- followed her progress on my phone..doing physio the while.

Beautiful summer evening. Walked barefoot on lawn. “Must do different textures when doing walk practice” as physio says.

Meadowsweet coming out. Foxgloves. Elderflower. Himalayan Balsam.

Next episode of Killing Eve.

1730 hours and just longing for it. The music, the laughs, the clothes, the horror. Utterly spellbound. All significant music Shazaamed and downloaded onto phone. Cry Baby Cry got to be the masterpiece – music like no other. Not since Breaking Bad

have I been so hooked. Will shortly find myself taking notes…..and listening to the Bbc Sounds Podcast. A lost cause.

Wedding today. Glorious day. Sunny – one of the few English summer weddings I remember at which the guests did not get cold as evening progressed. Beautiful venue. Bride film- star beautiful- looked like Jane Fonda in Barbarella. Heavenly food. Booze flowing- (Actual actual Bollinger) Great company. All guests on sparkling form. But as the evening wore on, yours truly unable to stop surreptitiously weeping. Why? Such a happy occasion but for me at least, haunted by so many deaths and sadnesses in the various families. Could not help tears welling at odd moments throughout and snivelling under my hat and dark glasses in sympathy for the Dead. A touch too much Bolly peut etre? Or symptom of getting older and becoming revoltingly sentimental with it.

So much said about “Smiling down on the happy couple” and “Absent friends”.

I think the absent ones, especially those cut down relatively young would be saying, “Dammit! Why did I not get to see this day? To see my beautiful boy getting married?..etc .

I looked at another family member who’s child had died a long time ago but would have been same age as my child and the Groom. Even thinking about that I found incredibly upsetting. But she took to the dance floor looked radiantly, rven particularly happy. Life and soul etc. How people get over these things….the indomitable human spirit.

Then they played Jackson Five “I’ll be there”. Felt sad about that whole thing too young Michael Jackson’s voice piping out and all that has happened about that since. The early death the scamdal etc- real blubbathon.

How beautiful. Come round so soon. Out on walking stick going down to paddock. Could just about read a newspaper in available light.

Ascot. A day squeezed into uncomfortable clothes and a hat poncing about like a ninny with my collapsible walking stick, tapping it on the ground. I looked sour and snooty both. Felt like Lady Grantham in Downton Abbey. Surprisingly quite a lot of people on crutches in Royal Enclosure . Also weilding my stick meant was granted access to the disabled persons viewing area at the paddock. Good view of the Queen and the sensationally glamorous Maxima seated beside her. A couple of the Cleveland Bays had worked up a real sweat. Marvellous postillion girls with their buns in nets on board. That’s a change in the last 15 years- used to always be boys.

At start of day, humiliatingly had to ask OFT to zip up the final section my dress and worse still, put on the right hand leg of my tights. Still nowhere near being permitted ro bend forward. “Can you make sure you’ve got heel in properly? Now just gently roll them up my calf”

Cant bear him anywhere near me when I’m dressing. Lloyd Grossman was sitting next to us at lunch with a Knatchbull girl. Must say, would not have recognised him.

Je dors toute seule. Utter bliss. Sun came out this afternoon. So rare these bitter-cold and damp June days I days fell asleep in taxi taking me home (bring unable to drive costs a fortune) and forgot to give directions at a crucial point. “Sorry” I mumbled to cabby, “Only like I’m a lizard. At the first glimmer of sun I fall asleep- can’t help myself”

We talked of many things – Killing Eve to which I am now officially addicted. (He had never heard of it

) , Breaking Bad – both of us avid fans and of course Game of Thrones which has as yet eluded me due to the foul language and revoltingly lurid content. (In the quarter of an episode I watched at least)

First day I have truly emerged from hip thing. Walking stick from Amazon which collapses like magic wand… Taxis. Used an ordinary loo, without raised seat in Doctors surgery, had nails and toes done sitting in wonderful massage chair in N. Abbott. Nurse removed dressing, trimmed stitches and said skin all “knitted together perfectly” so am now opsite dressing less. Can walk quite fast with my stick. Full range of movement in my joint for sure. Full weight bearing. Top of right thigh still very swollen but she says quite normal. “Everything under the skin has been rearranged – normal fluid build up”

Light at end of ….etc,?